Requested
Genre: angst
Summary: It’s difficult to understand the concept of love when you’re cynical by nature, especially when you’re in danger of falling for a hopeless romantic.
During the time Taehyung and I have spent together, I never really noticed the milestones we passed. It was as if I was free falling with a blindfold on. I never wanted to be married or have kids, I just wanted to be in a relationship, simple as that. The second people make mistakes is when they bring the government into their love life. That’s how my parents ended up resenting each other. They started out in a relationship, then they got married and all hell broke loose. They thought a kid would fix things and, speaking as the ‘remedy’, it didn’t work at all. I saw the way they argued right in front of me and looked at each other like strangers.
I’m not a cynic with most things. I just think that love has an expiration date. People fall in love and fall out of it just as fast. But then all those thoughts were nonexistent when I met Taehyung. He looked at me like I was the only thing that mattered. He completely understood me without me having to explain away my feelings. He made me laugh on my worst days and kept me smiling at my best, but still, I haven’t been able to utter the three little words that I’ve dreaded so much.
For most people saying ‘I love you’ is like a right of passage, you have your first love by saying it and each word makes your heart swell. But for me, it’s the beginning of the end. What does it even mean to really love someone? There is no point if saying two people will be together forever, just be together! My biggest fear with Taehyung is that he’d confront me with my thoughts about love or resent me for not saying ‘I love you’.
The good news was, he never mentioned my thoughts on love or triggered my cynical state of mind, but the bad news was, his family didn’t know about my romance stigma.
Once again my realist views were numbed and Taehyung somehow got me to have dinner with his parents. It started out really great, they asked me about my work and how long their son and I have been seeing each other. All was fine until they asked the one question I’d been dreading most.
“Wow, you two have been together a long while.” His mother said. “Do I hear wedding bells in the distance?”
“Oh god…” I murmured.
“Uh, We’re just taking our time,” Tae said, holding my hand under the table.
“Why wait so long? I’ve always wanted to have a daughter-in-law and little grandchildren running around.” His dad chimed in.
I started to feel even more uneasy, but couldn’t say anything out of fear of their disapproval. Taehyung just shrugged and returned the subject to the present rather than the future. The rest of the dinner went great apart from the middle bit.
We said goodbye to his parents and he took me home. I could tell he had something on his mind, but he remained silent. We came up to my door and I offered for him to come inside with me, mainly to figure out what was bothering him. He gladly stepped inside and sat on the couch. I sat down next to him and just waited for him to speak first.
“You trust me, right?” He asked.
“Of course.”
“Do you love me?” My heart both shattered and burst into flames all at once.
“Tae…” I stood up off the couch and paced the floor. “What difference does it make?”
“Difference? The difference is whether you love me or not. I can’t keep going around feeling this way for you if you never say it back. You need to tell me once and for all. Do you love me?” He rose from the couch, standing directly in front of me.
“I don’t know!”
“How do you not know?”
“Because I frankly don’t want to. I don’t want to be vulnerable and lay it all on the line only to have my heart broken. You don’t get the things I’ve witnessed. I can’t just tell someone I love them because I know what will happen next. Sure, we can get married and have kids but happily ever after is still out of reach. I know how this goes, I saw it with my own parents. If we get married we’re happy for a day around friends and family and then we have a honeymoon period, then it all goes to hell. When my mom had me she was practically raised me on her own until my dad came home from work then he took care of me but it was never simultaneous. I had a mom, then I had a dad, but they were never equal partners. If we have a kid, I’ll have to take all that in and I can’t lose you Tae, I just can’t.”
I broke down completely. Tears rushing down my face, every thought expelled from my head and all sense of security was gone. If I was honest, it wasn’t loving or not loving him. It was having him or losing him. I tried not to move too fast, but we ended up standing still. Just like now.
“Hey… hey…” Taehyung rushed to me, pulling me in for a warm embrace. He kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair while I let it all out.
“You’re right.” He said. “Your parents were never a team. They tried to do right by you and their marriage, but it just ended up hurting all three of you. But the thing you don’t understand is that we aren’t them. Telling me you love me isn’t the beginning of the end at all. Think about it. ” He released me briefly and looked me in the eyes. “We just had the worst fight in our history as a couple but I’m still here. We both are.”
“If you only knew how many times I wanted to say it just to see what it was like to… love someone. Every time you did something selfless or just the way you looked on any random day I wanted to tell you, but how can I say something I don’t understand?”
“You don’t have to.” He confused me for a moment before explaining. “I was wrong to rush you into it. The truth is there isn’t any need for you to tell me you love me. It’s just that tonight had me thinking and I wanted some validation. I’m sorry.”
“No, Tae.” I cuddled him in a little tighter, kissing his neck and consoling him. We stood there for a while, feeling the warmth of the others embrace until I broke the silence with the first thing that came to mind.
“I love you, Taehyung.”
I didn’t force it, I didn’t overanalyze it, I just said it. For the first time ever I told him I loved him, and as the days, weeks even years went by, I never once regretted it.
THE END
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